Turning 31

Today, I turned 31. As today approached, I thought about the number 31, and how it seems rather unremarkable. When I turned 10, it was “ooh, double digits!” Sixteen meant a sweet party and car keys. Twenty-one has its own connotations. Then, there’s the big 3-0. Last year’s birthday felt special. Thirty has some gravitas; it gets a little respect. Jewelry from Borsheims was fitting for 30. 31? Not so much. Definitely more of a gift card vibe. (And don’t get me wrong, I love me some gift cards!)

I was thinking, “What’s so special about 31? What meaning does 31 have?”

Immediately, Proverbs 31 was brought to mind. Proverbs 31 is the well-known chapter of Scripture that describes “a wife of noble character.” It lays out qualities and abilities of a God-fearing woman. As I read the verses again today, for the first time in my life I felt I could relate to this woman. Some parts of the chapter used to seem irrelevant to me or removed from my station in life. I wasn’t a worker. I wasn’t a wife. I wasn’t a mother. But now I am 31, and I am all these things together.

These are a few of the verses the Holy Spirit highlighted for me, and the meditations they stirred up. Maybe you can relate.

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.” – Proverbs 31: 10-11

My husband is a CPA. He likes to break things down in terms of debits and credits, revenues and expenses. He lives in the world of income statements and balance sheets. Ay yi yi; it makes my head hurt. The point is he knows what things are worth. He has a keen sense of value, and he doesn’t take valuable things for granted. He doesn’t take me for granted, and I know he knows that I am “worth far more than rubies.” Our love and respect for one another is a transcendent, God-ordained currency. We guard this treasure fiercely. I wouldn’t have understood or felt that sense of worth five years ago.

“She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family…” – Proverbs 31: 15

Growing up, I loved to sleep in. I was infamous for saying “Five more minutes!” on repeat before throwing back the covers. During teenage summers, I would wake up at 2 p.m. without batting an eye.

I have written extensively (with more to come, I’m sure) about how Luke has rocked my world. When he was born, I could not believe how frequently he ate and the implications it had on my life, and specifically, my sleep. Every three hours, it was change him, feed him and pump. I would drag my sorry tail down to our recliner, turn on TLC or Bravo or some other mindless crap and just zone out. The cycle took a good hour, and it was tough getting used to this new and not-very-fun sleep interruption. Suddenly, providing food for my family become a major time commitment.

Turns out, Luke is a fantastic overnight sleeper. He is out cold and rarely veers off the routine. But this routine means a regular 6 a.m. wake-up call. And that can be annoyingly consistent. This, too, has been an adjustment for this former sleep-aholic. Sometimes we are up for three hours before church starts on Sundays, which was just unheard of in my past life. And you should have seen me jump out of bed during his first weeks in his room; there was no “five more minutes” about it.

I am a changed woman. I still love sleeping, but it is not as precious to me. And in the year ahead, I want to start waking up earlier so I can read my Bible and eat a quiet breakfast or even squeeze in a mini-cardio session. Woman of Proverbs 31, I get you. I am realizing a woman has to get up while it is still dark to take care of herself and her people.

“She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.” – Proverbs 31:17

Oh Lord, you know women. You know the unique ways we work hard and get tired. You know that even when we’re sitting at our desks or in the car, our minds are whirring at high speeds. As a working mom, you get home from “work” and there is another full-time job that awaits you. There’s a lot of joy and fulfillment and fun to be had in your second job. But it’s effort; there’s no “calling it in.” There’s lifting and hoisting and balancing and organizing and packing and negotiating and the wiping of noses and bottoms. This constant activity challenges me and matures me. I’ll be honest with you. My arms were very weak; but in this season, God is making them stronger.

“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” – Proverbs 31: 25

This one stills me. I have met much stronger, much more dignified woman than myself who truly embody this verse. I am face-flat-to-the-floor humbled by their examples and by the paths they walk so faithfully. I’m not intrigued because they are serene saints; no, I’m attracted to their authenticity and that inner power that comes from the indwelling Holy Spirit, powering them through the worst of this world. Capital H. Capital S.

While I love my clothes from Anthropologie and Ann Taylor LOFT, I’d rather be clothed in strength and dignity. I’d like my character to be what people remember. Not my style or even personality. Lord, I want to walk in the confidence that Your love bestows on me. I want to embrace who You say I am: wonderfully made, dearly loved and precious in Your sight. I want to be so deeply rooted in You that nothing shakes me. Right now, I am acutely aware of how shallow my roots go. I know how easily I cast aside my God-given dignity and run right into the arms of fear, discouragement and insecurity.

To me, the opposite of this verse is fear and anxiety. God knows I can do afraid and anxious with the best of them. Am I squandering my time here? Where is my career going? Am I doing enough? What would we do if (insert bad scenario) happened? Is the front door locked? Throwing a new human into the mix is always a good test of your trust in God’s sovereign control. Do you trust Him with your 3-pound baby in the NICU? Will you trust Him with your headstrong toddler? Will you trust Him with your teenager who doesn’t fit the mold you’d planned on?

Trust is the antidote to the poison of fear; but only if the thing you’re putting your trust in is 110% secure. Our God is strong and trustworthy. He is eternal and omnipotent. Women of Christ, our foundation is firm. The woman of Proverbs 31:25 knows this, and it is the secret to her security. In the upside-down logic of the Gospel, it is this Anchor of the Soul that affords her complete freedom. She is tied down to the Life-Giver–not things or places–so life is abundant. Hope is not scarce, but overflowing. She walks confidently into tomorrow. Her head is high.

I believe I have a healthy perspective on the rest of my days, my inevitable death and the eternity to come; however, I am far from “laughing” at these days. It’s more like I’m “gazing at them cautiously from a distance.” So, I admit, I have some work to do on this one. By “work,” I mean doing everything I can to stay in the presence of my Strength and Security. Know His Word. Get up in His face. Ask Him tough questions. Enjoy His goodness. The closer I get to God, the more secure I will be. That’s a fact.

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” – Proverbs 31:30

Our culture has a love-hate relationship with birthdays because it loves youth and hates mortality. It loves the soft, smooth skin of babies and toned bodies and long hair of young adults. The culture’s feelings toward 30- and 40-somethings are more complex. Wrinkles are real. Post-breastfeeding boobs are real. Odd, visible veins on your legs? Reality. I don’t have any gray hair yet or strange moles, but I know it’s just a matter of time.

Like most women at 31, sometimes I look in the mirror and think, “I look pretty,” or “I look very together today.” My hair is clean and my make-up is freshly applied. My outfit and jewelry coordinate nicely. All is well.

But then there are trips to the mirror that are totally ego-deflating. There is no denying my age (although my husband kindly insists that I have a “young face,” whatever that means). I trace the deep, horizontal wrinkle across my forehead with my finger. My roots are showing. My eyebrows need a good tweeze. The natural glow that you relied on in your 20s sometimes shows up in the morning, and sometimes it doesn’t. Often make-up doesn’t make it better; it just looks kind of artificial. To quote Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady, it can feel like the “the blossom in my cheek has turned to chalk.”

It all sounds super depressing, but it’s just the way it is. The woman of Proverbs 31:30 knew this: beauty is fleeting. It comes, and it will go. Yet, if you added up all the hours I’ve spent shopping for and reading about make-up and beauty treatments in my lifetime, it would equal days. Days, people! That’s kind of ridiculous. I’ll own up: I’m chasing what is fleeting, which seems a little silly.

So if we’ve established that beauty cannot be corralled and seized once and for all, are we supposed to just give up? Let ourselves “go”? Never walk the aisles of Sephora again?

Heck, no.

However, I’d argue 31 is a good age to reevaluate how much time, money and significance you assign to your outward appearance. What is healthy and reasonable in the pursuit of physical beauty, and what is silly? These questions are only going to get more relevant with every passing birthday.

This verse also tells me it is time to get serious about the cultivation of inner beauty: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). There is nothing fleeting or ridiculous about these attributes. They are the enduring building blocks of godly character.

People won’t remember your amazing closet or your impossibly radiant skin (well, maybe they will for a few days). Long-term, they’ll remember how they felt in your presence. Long-term, do you want your charm and physical beauty to be your legacy? I’d argue that’s a pretty flimsy legacy.

I want to be remembered for my lovely and loving spirit that only existed because of my relationship with Christ. Without Him in my heart, my spirit drifts and chases what is fleeting. As I go forward in years, I want to be fueled by what lasts forever.